Ruby Weighs In on Her Latest Weigh-In
Hi, y'all! I wanted to talk to you about this week's episode.
This has been the toughest time in my life. My father died earlier this year, and my baby Lucy has been very ill—sick with kidney failure, ironically, the same illness my daddy died from. (You'll see more of that struggle next week.) The worst heartbreak in life to me is to lose a parent! I am still grieving my father's death. The other heartbreak is to lose a child. Even though I do not have a human child, Foxy and Lucy have become my children. I would do anything to keep them with me forever. But the saddest reality about this life is that forever does not exist, even though I believe in heaven and know I will see my father again.
With all this said, I have had a huge setback! But I need to clarify what happened...
I DID NOT CHEAT!
I did not eat fast foods, candy, chips, etc., which to me defines cheating.
We started this season weighing on my home scale, because my nutritionist, Helen Hussey, was on maternity leave. (She had a baby girl! So sweet!) I do not know when the scale stopped working; I could have weighed more than I knew at the beginning of the season. So, I continued to weigh at home, and it kept saying I was losing weight. Then I weighed at Helen's after she returned from leave, and her scale said 355. I was devastated! At that moment, I felt like I would never, ever get under 350! I thought maybe that because I have always been so overweight it was physically impossible for me to go lower. It may sound crazy to you, but it is even crazier to me that in my adult life I have never been under 350. I felt hopeless, like a complete failure, at that moment.
I know that I had not gained weight at this point but had been maintaining it. Dr. Bradley had said that when I got under 350 (which we all thought I had) I would do Ourlife Fresh for lunch and dinner during the week and be on my own during the weekend, of course eating only healthy food.
But I cheated myself without knowing it. The beast appeared once again, and I didn't even see him. No, I didn't cheat in the terms we all would call cheating, but I stopped eating every three hours, I stopped writing down everything I ate, and I stopped adding up the calories. My calorie intake is 1700 a day; adding in my head will never be accurate. (And even though you order healthy when you go out to eat, they add other ingredients.) Eating two or three protein bars a day in place of meals is not the same as eating healthy meals. (And not all protein bars are healthy.) Working out two or three times a week with a trainer is good, but you still need to do your own workouts at home—biking, walking, whatever you enjoy!
I messed up really bad, and all I did was add another setback for myself. Another disappointment! I am so sorry that I did this to me and disappointed myself, and I am sorry to every one of y'all that I have let you down. But I will not give up. I feel beaten up severely—mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. This is the part where I am in the ring and ready to crawl out! But, guess what: I WILL NOT CRAWL OUT! I will stay in and pull myself back up and fight again, because I promised ME and YOU that I will not get out until I WIN! The beast is going down once and for all.
And I wanted to let y'a'll know first that I am really and truly back on track, and it is showing on the scale now, for sure! YAY!
I was not really considering surgery for me, but I was curious to find out the truth behind it. I searched it out because I wanted the world to realize surgery is NOT the easy way out; sometimes it's someone's last hope. The most important thing I want people to realize is 75 percent of this surgery depends on the person's dieting and exercising, so no matter how we do it, we are all still fighting the same beast, traveling the same road, and I want us all to meet at the finish line!
I want to address one more thing with y'all, and that is Dr. Brewerton. As you know, this is only a 30-minute show (most weeks), so you do not get to see everything. There is more to what went down with me and Dr. Brewerton. I walked out for many reasons. I promise you, I am walking away and finding a new therapist whom I can connect with. Dr. Brewerton was the first therapist I had ever seen. He was the first to make me understand and face a lot of stuff about myself and my past, and I will always be grateful to him for that. But we have a huge conflict in our personalities, and I need to find someone I have great chemistry with. I am visiting with different therapists, and y'all will get to meet whichever one I choose.
What are we pleasing, protecting or avoiding by eating? Why are we using food as a security blanket? Food has done one or all of these things for me, and now it's my addiction. We need to go to the root of the problem—the very place it was birthed—and through this, we will find our truth, and the truth will set us free. I will be going even deeper into the mental part and dealing with my missing memories, and I will conquer!
Thank you so much for all your prayers, support and—most of all—your friendship!